House Of Random

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Be Nice To Your Colleagues

When Your Co-Worker is Away

I really like this. But I have a question: how do you not tear the tinfoil on the floor?

Great stuff. More on what happened to this weekend soon...

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Marmite and Cheese

BBC NEWS | Americas | 'Virgin Mary' toast fetches $28,000

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Holy Toast Batman

$18000? Holy Toast.

But then again...

In The Balance

Watch the birdie...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Ok, so I'm designing posters for my the relaunch of the pub I Dj in....

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Dating Faux Pas

A Si Lumb "note to self" from months and months ago, before I met my girlfriend... who tamed the shark-boy in me...

When you are introduced to a girl, it is very important that you remember her face and her name. This is even moreso when you meet her again. If indeed you date her then it is paramount that this is acomplished. If you decide that you don't really want to date her a second time then you must, of course, still remember her name in case you hit on her again some months later and have absolutely no recollection of who she is. If at this point you have not learn't your lesson then your name is simon lumb and you will have hit on her again, last night, for the third time, without remembering (a) her name (b) the fact you dated her and (c) that this is the second time you've done this.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Church of The Obvious

Someone said to me today, no doubt echoing Peter Kay, that this morning saw a "very fine rain, the kind that soaks you right through". I was under the impression that all rain, given that it is wet, had the ability to soak you right through?

Rain is, by its very nature, wet. Hence: stand in it and you will get wet.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Tree Catapault

Been missing for a few days, but in the spirit of laughing (at me)...

Once upon a time, but weeks ago...

Ok so on the way home on Saturday night (ok ok Sunday morning at like 4am) me, ian, tom and kirsty were being bad. Well to be honest it was just me an ian cos we were absolutely obliterated. Tom was being a wussbag cos he's been hooking up with kirsty and kirsty was sober having come to meet us after the club shut (and get cuddles from tom surprise surprise)

Ian wanted to climb on this huge tree branch and try to break it, so we did. But there was no way it was breaking even with all four of us stood up and jumping on it. Then the other three had the grand idea of playing tree catapault and all jumped off. That left me. The branch was pretty excited at being lightened of about 30 stone and decided to fling me in the air in clebration. I managed to catch the branch on the way down with my torso, and hence hung for a while considering (a) how long humans live without oxygen after they've had their lungs crushed and (b) what is the most effective way to get down from the 10 foot high position I now occupied. After figuring out that the most pressing matter was (a) and that it would probably be solved by (b) I carefully planned to use my (not amazingly extensive) knowledge of parachute landing technique taught to me in 5 minutes in 1994 at scout camp whilst paragliding. I knew that by landing on your toes, leaning forward and placing your knee, then thigh, then hip etc to the ground an effective and controlled landing could be accomplished.

In the post-mortem meeting held in my head to discuss the effectiveness of my planning it was noted that the problems originally considered (see (a) and (b) above) had indeed been solved, but that several new challenges had emerged in the aftermath and were now up for consideration: (c) how long humans live without oxygen having used their face as a cushioning factor in their decent from a tree and subsequently being submerged in dirt (d) what it will feel like when the sensation returns to the bleeding gooey mess that used to be my hand.

Luckily beer goggles - which have such a pleasing effect on women not naturally blessed by desireable aesthetics - also make injuries that are not very serious look quite spectacular. The slight nick in my thumb will probably heal by this afternoon.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The Hobbit

Eton or the zoo?

What does it mean to be human?

Today I have decided to post the above links becasue they fascinate me. They talk of religion, and evolution. I personally do not subscribe to any relegious beliefs, although I do not campaign against them.

The articles talk about the discovery of Homo Florensis - the so-called "Mini-Man". It is suggested that this provides us with evidence of evolution, a missing link, another variation on the Homo species, just as the Neanderthals were, and who we successfully eradicated.

It's a great place to start a debate, and to base further education and understanding. New Darwinism, the Human Genome, the pre-disposition of DNA to promote survival, the theory of the Red-Queen, The Big Bang - all of this versus creationism, the religious beliefs of varying nations. It's all fantastic material. Go think about it.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Ban This Filth

From BBC News Online:

"Highlights of Channel 4's winter season include... a dramatisation of Julie Burchill's novel Sugar Rush.

The novel follows a teenage schoolgirl who develops a crush on her best friend. A spokeswoman confirmed the drama will include lesbian sex scenes.

'I am pleased beyond belief that Channel 4 has seen fit to broadcast my perverted little work - I happily anticipate outrage from middle England and fan mail from underage girls,' said Ms Burchill.

'Sugar Rush is a frank and unabashed voyage into modern teenage life - love, sex and family as we've never shown it before,' said Lucy Richer, commissioning editor for Channel 4. "

I also suggest those who might be offended to watch "Ban This Filth" on the same channel, which I watched for the first time last night. It's hilarious. Like the classic "Eurotrash", it uses humour to justify showing soft porn on TV. Which I think is excellent. Plus it's actually really funny. More please!


This happened a while ago, but it's worth re-telling.

It was a Thursday night. I noramlly get home at about 6.30, then head out to go Dj by about 7.30. At about 7pm I was making a little dinner and noticed the radiator in the kitchen was cold. The rest of the house was ok, so thought it must be this one dodgy point.
The heating was on max and had been for a while, so it shouldn't be *that* cold and so I figured it needed bleeding.

So I found the little key and started to bleed the radiator.

Sure enough, out rushed the air.

And rushed.

And rushed.

So I loosened it still further to let it out a bit faster. I knelt down and touched the radiator, and feeling the bottom of the radiator was warming I became flushed with my success and all round greatness. Bored of waiting, I loosened it a bit more.

The fricking thing shot out and hit the wall, closely followed by a stream of boiling water.

So I'm stood there in the kitchen with boiling water shooting out, and the first obvious thing I attempt is try to put the stopper back in using the key. But the tiny little thing is lost in the shaft of the radiator key and this water is BURNING me.

I fiddle and fuss and fight, but all the time the jet is gushing water over me and the floor...

After considering leaving it to flood the kitchen, I rethink and conclude that this little situation is a very bad thing. I *have* to stop the flow.

Cue dishcloth.

Only dishcloths are exactly that... cloth.

Not much good for plugging a gushing hole streaming a piss of fire.

Next brainwave: the water is hot so I think "I'll turn the heating down".

But that's not gonna work is it? I mean, there's a gallon of hot water on the floor and a whole fricking central heating system-full on it's way, so turning it off is as good as pissing into the wind.

I step away and the dish cloth makes a soggy slap against the wall.

I decide that the only thing to do is to ditch the key and the attempts at steming the flow, and to try to put the little stopper back in by hand.

What a fricking stupid idea.

I'm looking closely at it to try and figure a way to fit the stopper in when just as I get up close to the hole the pressure miraculously runs out.

And so it starts spurting like a sprinkler INTO MY EYES.

Squinting through stinging eyes and with scolded fingers I manage to persuade the little shit back into its hole, tighten for all I'm worth and as fast as my screaming fingers will allow me...

This whole debacle took about 10 minutes and the taxi was due in another 15 to take me to go Dj. Regaining my composure in an inch of hot water and soggy socks I start to recuperate and clean the flood.

I only wish I had kept my balance.

Wet arsed and laughing I try to mop the floor... with myself.

Deciding now that the house would still be cold, and since I was wet I put the heating back on.

Realising I had successfully drained the pressure I thought it might be a good time to put my evident plumbing skills back into action.

Underneath the boiler are 2 taps: loosen one, then the other, to restore pressure. Do it slowly and stop when you get to 1.5 on the gauge. Interestingly the first tap turned really easily, and there was no problem. So far, so good. The second was fine too. Thankful that at least my tap turning skills were still intact even despite my beetroot hands and blistered vision I waited until the pressure reached 1, and turned off the second tap.

Then, naturally, I reached for the first one and turned.

Holding the freshly detatched tap handle, I began to grin at the sheer preposterous hilarity of my predicament and watched the little pressure gauge creep slowly towards... and then past... the danger mark.

Deciding that "closer to the boiler is better" I proceeded to attach various surrounding cupboard-dwelling metal refuse to my limbs via the art of piercing as I fell into the boiler room and desperately attempted to fix the tap.

Panicking before all and sundry would be consumed in a cavalcade of exploding boiler, subsequently decorated with junk and in considerable pain, I reattached the tap handle and slowed the climbing pressure gauge at about 3. I say "about" because the gauge markers ran out at 2.5, and the little pointer was straining at a level slightly above it, pointing barely upwards like some sort of octogenarian erection.

With scalded hands, a burning eye, damaged pride, gashed knees and a waning sense of humour I clambered out of the boiler room and slopped back through the kitchen.

Then my brain figured that the pressure dropped when I bled the radiators so....


I gave up and went to my room.

My attempts at plumbing have been suspended until further notice.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


Wow, so it's Tuesday. Or toosday if you're American. American election day. I'm suprised it isn't called the World Elections, just like the Baseball World Series.

So what's happeneing? Not much apparently. Mad weekend it was, big houseparty in Birmingham, including a 9 hour dj set and all kinds of drinking. It rocked. See more on DTG's site, linked under "Friends" on the right hand side. Also check Wolkoff's site. His Halloween costume was fantastic. So much respect. Be there next Autumn (fall) buddy ;-) !!!

What else is happening? Off to see a TV show recording tonight. Comedy show, so hopefully will be entertained. Also got plans to spend some time this week at home with my folks - my Dad has been in hospital for 6 weeks, after suffering for over a year with arterial blockage. His disorder and general ill health is a long term result of smoking, which he quit 16 years ago. The damage, it seems, was done. He had to have his leg amputated in order to save his life, and he should be discharged this week. Hopefully he'll have a prosthetic limb fitted and be able to walk again. He's 67. He quit smoking when he was 50-odd after several years cutting down. He smoked for around 30 years.

In other areas I'm hoping to visit the Girlfriend on the weekend. She's a wonderful girl and muchos stressed at her final year of University (College). She has a dissertation (huge 15000 word project) to research and write, and it all seems a bit much right now. She'll be fine once she has got stuck in, and I know she'll triumph. She's a truly intelligent person. It's my job to go and offer support and help her believe it can be done. And hanging out with a beautiful girl is really good fun too :-)

I noticed this in the news: 3D Tourism. I think that'd be cool and I hope they bring it to museums and points of interest all around the world. Imagine going to see an old battle field or runied castle and having it recreated right in front of you!

Looking for a new job as well. Think it's time to do something different. Work sucks, true, but I need it to suck with different scenery.

Happy 25th Birthday to DTG as well. The guy's the bomb. Let me mention it again: the party was so rocking. Woke up at 9am passed out on the floor under the record decks. Apparently the music stopped around 6am. My memory stopped around 3am.

OK, that's me today, hopefully something random will happen tonight!

Words, thoughts, dreams & ideas, dirtySi, London, UK, from the year 2005 onward