Tree Catapault
Been missing for a few days, but in the spirit of laughing (at me)...
Once upon a time, but weeks ago...
Ok so on the way home on Saturday night (ok ok Sunday morning at like 4am) me, ian, tom and kirsty were being bad. Well to be honest it was just me an ian cos we were absolutely obliterated. Tom was being a wussbag cos he's been hooking up with kirsty and kirsty was sober having come to meet us after the club shut (and get cuddles from tom surprise surprise)
Ian wanted to climb on this huge tree branch and try to break it, so we did. But there was no way it was breaking even with all four of us stood up and jumping on it. Then the other three had the grand idea of playing tree catapault and all jumped off. That left me. The branch was pretty excited at being lightened of about 30 stone and decided to fling me in the air in clebration. I managed to catch the branch on the way down with my torso, and hence hung for a while considering (a) how long humans live without oxygen after they've had their lungs crushed and (b) what is the most effective way to get down from the 10 foot high position I now occupied. After figuring out that the most pressing matter was (a) and that it would probably be solved by (b) I carefully planned to use my (not amazingly extensive) knowledge of parachute landing technique taught to me in 5 minutes in 1994 at scout camp whilst paragliding. I knew that by landing on your toes, leaning forward and placing your knee, then thigh, then hip etc to the ground an effective and controlled landing could be accomplished.
In the post-mortem meeting held in my head to discuss the effectiveness of my planning it was noted that the problems originally considered (see (a) and (b) above) had indeed been solved, but that several new challenges had emerged in the aftermath and were now up for consideration: (c) how long humans live without oxygen having used their face as a cushioning factor in their decent from a tree and subsequently being submerged in dirt (d) what it will feel like when the sensation returns to the bleeding gooey mess that used to be my hand.
Luckily beer goggles - which have such a pleasing effect on women not naturally blessed by desireable aesthetics - also make injuries that are not very serious look quite spectacular. The slight nick in my thumb will probably heal by this afternoon.
Once upon a time, but weeks ago...
Ok so on the way home on Saturday night (ok ok Sunday morning at like 4am) me, ian, tom and kirsty were being bad. Well to be honest it was just me an ian cos we were absolutely obliterated. Tom was being a wussbag cos he's been hooking up with kirsty and kirsty was sober having come to meet us after the club shut (and get cuddles from tom surprise surprise)
Ian wanted to climb on this huge tree branch and try to break it, so we did. But there was no way it was breaking even with all four of us stood up and jumping on it. Then the other three had the grand idea of playing tree catapault and all jumped off. That left me. The branch was pretty excited at being lightened of about 30 stone and decided to fling me in the air in clebration. I managed to catch the branch on the way down with my torso, and hence hung for a while considering (a) how long humans live without oxygen after they've had their lungs crushed and (b) what is the most effective way to get down from the 10 foot high position I now occupied. After figuring out that the most pressing matter was (a) and that it would probably be solved by (b) I carefully planned to use my (not amazingly extensive) knowledge of parachute landing technique taught to me in 5 minutes in 1994 at scout camp whilst paragliding. I knew that by landing on your toes, leaning forward and placing your knee, then thigh, then hip etc to the ground an effective and controlled landing could be accomplished.
In the post-mortem meeting held in my head to discuss the effectiveness of my planning it was noted that the problems originally considered (see (a) and (b) above) had indeed been solved, but that several new challenges had emerged in the aftermath and were now up for consideration: (c) how long humans live without oxygen having used their face as a cushioning factor in their decent from a tree and subsequently being submerged in dirt (d) what it will feel like when the sensation returns to the bleeding gooey mess that used to be my hand.
Luckily beer goggles - which have such a pleasing effect on women not naturally blessed by desireable aesthetics - also make injuries that are not very serious look quite spectacular. The slight nick in my thumb will probably heal by this afternoon.
posted by dirtySi at
11:17 am
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